Looking for Nirvana

(2022- 2024)

Looking for Nirvana is a personal exploration of non-monogamy and the unexpected self-realisation of childhood trauma. In 2022, after discussions with my boyfriend, we mutually agreed to pursue an open relationship. Our bond would remain “the primary," with any external connections not developing into love affairs. While I began seeing others (C and K), my boyfriend chose not to seek other relationships. This dynamic prompted deep self-reflection, forcing me to confront how my upbringing had shaped my sense of intimacy and self-worth.

The title draws on the Sanskrit term Nirvana in Buddhist philosophy, signifying liberation from all forms of suffering. It also echoes the Stoic philosopher Seneca’s observation: “We suffer more often in imagination than in reality.” The project examines how we imagine our own bodies and minds, revealing and challenging the distortions shaped by memory, emotion, and expectation.

Growing up in Taiwan, where conversations about intimacy are often muted and traditional gender roles deeply rooted, I was raised in a household where affection was scarce. This cultural and familial context continues to shape my personal and romantic relationships in adulthood. Looking for Nirvana thus becomes a feminist and introspective exploration, examining the boundaries of intimacy through phototherapy and self-reflective text. In my work I search for a path to inner peace, unravelling the complexities of how personal histories affect our lives and reimagining an understanding of love.